Author: Neil Hanson

Neil administers this site and manages content.

More on Riding with iPods

Someone asked again about the whole notion of listening to the IPOD while riding your bike – should there be “laws” regulating it?

Like so many things, people get all whacked out about things and don’t keep them in perspective.
Without a doubt, listening to stuff takes your attention from the task at hand, making you less proficient at the task at hand.

Period.

So what? Do we outlaw radios in cars? Do we make it illegal to have a conversation with your passenger while you drive a car?

People do this stuff to take their mind off what they are doing. I listen to all sorts of stuff while driving in the truck, (including FredCast), to give my mind something to do besides be numbed into senselessness by the traffic around me. No doubt in my mind that doing so makes me a less safe driver. Exactly why – when the weather gets really nasty – I drive in silence. I also talk on the phone while I drive – I know I am a bad person for doing this according to some people. But put this all in perspective. Creating more safety on the road can be achieved by outlawing all distractions. I just don’t think we want to go that far – I think we are willing to accept some risk as a culture – what price are we willing to pay for total safety?

All this logic above is exactly why I DON’T listen to my iPod while I ride. I LOVE riding my bike. Just handling it getting ready for a ride makes me feel good and look forward to the ride. Why on earth would I numb myself to the great joy that I get from riding? Why would I distract myself? I have a couple of buddies who I ride with, who on long rides (as-in 6 or 8 hours) will listen to their iPod. When they do this, it really separates them from me on the ride – I might as well be riding alone. The minor little chatter that happens as you ride, the extended conversations, all of that falls by the wayside.

So, my opinion is to leave the iPod in the truck, and ride the bike. There are so many aspects of our life where we cut ourselves off from the people around us, and fall into this media world that we plug ourselves into. We need to find more ways to plug into the world around us, and the people around us, instead of shutting them out with earphones.

But for heavens sake, this is not something to be legislated. The last thing we need is more invasion into how we live our lives by legislative agencies. Sure we sacrifice a little safety, but look around at all the other places in your life where you do that gladly. Leave the iPod at home because you’ll enjoy the ride more, and you’ll enjoy your friends more.

Plus, all that sweat just can’t be good for those things. 🙂

A January Ride

I got lucky yesterday – the temp was 50, so I went for a little ride.

My short loop through Canterbury.

The wind was strong, but I stayed nice and warm thanks to the right layers and new gloves.

I felt much better than I expected on the climbing that is part of that loop. I think that I am starting this year off with reasonable shape in January. If I can only hold on to this and build from it.

I have been talking to some folks about putting together an alternative ride to the Triple this year, since that was such a mess. I’m thinking that if 20 or 30 of us got together the weekend before or after, we could pay somebody to do food support, and have a great time at it. Folks kick in $20 or $30 apiece, and have watermelon and other good food waiting at important places. Sagging would be possible too if we paid someone to drive a truck with tools for minor repairs if needed.

Would need to stay somewhat together, but I think that if we had an A group and a B group, we could make it work.

Would love to find folks interested.

Any Other Health Care Ideas?

As a conservative, I am curious about how the public will punish the right wing for their gross obstructionism and complete bankruptcy of ideas regarding health care. This is an area where the Republican Party, run by the extreme right wing, demonstrates again just how far they have strayed from core conservative principles.

The fiscal conservative wants as much as he can get for his dollar. He doesn’t like wasteful spending. So, when it comes to healthcare, there are a couple of really simple facts that should drive every conservative in America to support radical change in what we do.

First, healthcare costs us twice as much as it costs the rest of the developed world. Absorb that a minute, because the media would have you believe think that we have reasonably priced healthcare in this country. There are several sources of information on the cost of healthcare – the REAL COST is what I am looking at – what does it cost us as a country to deliver healthcare to our citizens – regardless of how that is done? In 2007, Congressional Research Service, (remember congress was still controlled by the right wing in 2007 when this report was published), reported that in 2004, the US spent just over $6000 per person on healthcare. This is twice the average of other developed countries, (1st world big economy countries), and about 20% higher than the next most expensive nation.

So that’s the first half of the equation – we pay WAY more than everyone else in the world for healthcare. Not just a little more – TWICE AS MUCH! The fiscal conservative in me doesn’t like this at all. But wait, maybe healthcare in the country is just so good – just so much better than everywhere else – that this is one of those places where I need to just cool my jets, and accept that our culture wants to spend way more in order to get really really really great healthcare.

So I look around, and start asking the question. Just how much better is healthcare in the country than in the rest of the western world? Not for the ultra rich who can afford anything they want, but for the entire country – for all of us – because at the end of the day, one way or the other, we are all paying that $6000+/year to get this really cadillac healthcare, right?

Well, come to find out that we don’t deliver healthcare that stands out head and shoulders above the rest of the developed world.

But wait, it’s worst. We don’t deliver healthcare that is better than all the rest of the countries at all.

But wait, it’s worst. We don’t deliver healthcare that is as good as the top western nations in the world.

In fact, the quality of the healthcare that we deliver in this country is worst than the entire western world. The key here is to measure some objective metric that applies across the population, and demonstrates overall health levels of the population as a whole. You can be unfair about this if you want, and look for only those measurements that either prove this as an understatement if you are one side of the argument, or those that prove this as an overstatement if you are on the other side of the argument. A good article in the Christian Science Monitor tries to put the best face possible on it I think – from the same year that the cost numbers above are quoted – 2004.

I don’t want to split hairs. I am paying twice as much as the rest of the developed world, and I am not getting healthcare that is better than the rest of the world. THAT is indisputable regardless of what you want to argue.

So, the fiscal conservative in me says what we have is clearly the WRONG way to deliver healthcare, and we should be looking at the rest of the developed world to see what we can learn from them on how to do this better than we have been doing it.

Don’t know the answers yet, all I know is that the Republican Party has been hell-bent throughout this debate on making sure that nothing changes. They haven’t been offering alternatives plans or other ways to think about it – they have just been playing good lackeys to the corporate medical world, and doing all they can to prevent change.

And me, as a conservative, is disgusted once again at how far the Republican Party has strayed from true conservative principles.

Again.

And will the public punish them in any way? So long as the media keeps up their outstanding work of keeping the wool pulled down low over our eyes, and moving those shells around, they might just get away with it.

How incredibly sad…

The iPod and Imposed Safety

I’m still having trouble finding a bike at the gym that works well for me.

I listened to an article about a guy talking through all the mistakes you can make in weight training if you are a bike rider. He was pretty much saying that everything that I was doing was wrong. Bummer. But, rather than pay him money (which was his goal) and hire his company to correct me, I think I will just try and incorporate some of the stuff that he said into my routine.
So, yesterday afternoon, I added some standing squats as the first thing after the bike ride. Will work the weights up – I think I was doing about 130 or 140 yesterday. Amazing how much more total energy those take – home much more winded you are after each set. Then I do some sitting squats on a machine, then some leg extensions. By the time I get to the leg extensions, the quads really scream. My logic is that most of the hard work is done early in the standing then sitting squats, so I am not overbuilding the quads with the extensions. I’m probably full of bologna…
Also hit a sit-up milestone – got over 400 my something. I sort of lost track, but know for sure I was over 400.
Also signed up for the Iron Horse Classic in Durango in May. I find that I really need those upcoming milestones to force me to improve my fitness. Without that stuff, it is just too easy to “put it off”. With the January backcountry trip coming up with my son, if forced me to get started in November on building the fitness level, then these next milestones will force me to keep it going.
The backcountry trip is a big deal. I have learned the hard way that I am putting not only my life but the lives of others around me at risk, and it is just not OK to approach these trips casually. Last year I caused a real problem (though not with lack of fitness – just with a really bad judgement call), and I really want to make sure that I never do that sort of thing again. The cold is bad enough – I have to work hard to make sure that I don’t let my body temp drop in the extreme conditions – but then if you add onto that any lack of fitness or preparedness, it is just the height of irresponsibility. More about the adventure last year in another post…
Listening to the Fredcast podcast, he asked a question about whether or not we should be outlawing the use of headphones while we ride. Made me think. I actually sent him an email with some feedback.
Here is the deal. I think that we all listen to the iPod (I will use that term generically as-in “Davenport” or “Frigidair”) for different reasons. The issue at hand is whether or not the use of the iPod is distracting, and creates more danger on the road because of this distraction. If the answer is yes – that there is increased danger because of the distraction – should we then legislate the use of the items as a way to increase safety and reduce risk.
My Soapbox – the whole risk thing and the government’s role in reducing risk.
The government should prevent lasting and mortal damage to one individual (or group) by another individual (or group), to a reasonable extent. That is the key word – “reasonable”.
In this case, it is silly to think that listening to the iPod doesn’t create a distraction. Get real – that’s why people plug in to them – for the distraction in one way or another. Is a more distracted rider less safe than a less distracted rider? Of course. However, the greatest risk is posed to the rider themselves – not the government’s job to force me to reduce my risk to myself.
Just like the bike helmet laws – or any helmet law for that matter. It is not the government’s job to force me to wear this stuff. This should be my decision.
So, short answer – heck no don’t legislate this.
But guess what, I ALWAYS wear a helmet. And I rarely (can’t even remember the last time) listen to the iPod while I ride. I DO listen to the iPod while I work out – because I want the distraction.
But I LOVE to ride my bike. I have ridden bikes for 50 years in one way or another, and I still love it. Even on a grueling “survival” ride like the Triple Bypass, I love the riding. I love the sounds and sights and feelings. I love the thinking that happens while I ride. I love it all. (Well, OK, maybe 8 hours into a “survival” ride there isn’t a lot of love happening, but later than night it is there for sure, and the next day…) So, why on earth would I plug an iPod into my ears while I ride, and distract me from this thing that I love doing? Just doesn’t make any sense to me.
Some of the buddies that I ride with have taken to listening while they ride. Good manners and a conservative nature keep me from telling them I think this is stupid, but it really is kind of a slap in the face. I ride by myself a lot – probably most riders do. If I take a ride with a buddy, then it just seems like good manners to ride with the buddy – not to close myself into this little bubble with an iPod. When my buddy Ted started wearing them, it took me a while to get used to the fact that I might say something to him and he wouldn’t hear because of the iPod. I find that now when I ride with him and I know that he is “wearing”, I pretty much behave as-if I am riding alone, and that he just happens to be another rider riding close to me. If he has something to say or wants to talk, then he takes the headphones off and initiates conversation. We ride “together” for a while, until he plugs back in, at which point I am riding alone again. This is really a sad thing, isn’t it? It just goes along with this whole disconnection that we have been going through as a culture.
Oh well, I think I am swimming upstream on this one.
Sort of reminds me of a friend I had in high school. Early on, we were young boys, and experimented with lots of different ways to rebel against whatever needed rebelling against at the time – usually anything that smelled like authority. Drugs and booze were certainly part of that. For me, it was just a learning experience, and I learned a couple of things. First I learned that this stuff reduced my “control” over myself, and I didn’t like that. Second, I learned that this stuff reduced my ability to “be” where I was, and I didn’t like that. Paul (my aforementioned friend), on the other hand, found that he loved all of that stuff. We remained friends, but drifted in different directions. We used to hunt together on his uncle’s farm. I’ll never forget the last time I hunted with Paul. I picked him up at his house well before dawn. I sat on his bed and watched as he injected himself with something he was addicted to. He mostly slept as we drove to the farm. I remember he spent most of the day making sure that he stayed high – usually he stayed and “rested” someplace while I hunted. I remember clearly seeing the giant difference between us, and realizing that we would probably not hang out together anymore.
The last time I saw Paul he was out on parole. I don’t think the parole lasted long – I think that he ended up back in jail fairly soon.
For Paul – for whatever reason – life was something to escape from. He used drugs to escape. For me, spending the day in the field was heaven. I loved hunting, and loved being “in” the field, truly experiencing the woods and meadows and wildlife around me. Why on earth would I dull this experience that I loved?
It is the same with the iPod – and media in general – today. We use “The Box” as our new god or our new Drug. We can’t let ourselves unplug and “be” where we are – we have to tether ourselves to “The Box”.
So, each of us should decide – not the government. If a person “needs” the iPod while they ride, I guess I’ve gotta ask why. They must not love the riding in the same way I love the riding, or they wouldn’t drug-up to do it.
Next: More on the whole “government imposing safety” thing…

3 December workout thoughts

Thursday, 12/3:

High today was about 13, so no time in the saddle. However, had a decent workout for about 90 minutes. Just starting to use the weight machines for the legs.
I’m starting to feel stronger – that nice tightness in the legs between workouts. I would sure like to be able to find the time to work on upper body groups too, but that just doesn’t seem real likely right now.
Sit-ups – did 200 first set, 100 second set, then stopped. In between while resting, did bicep curls with little weight – 10lbs first set, 12lbs second set.
The workouts at the gym serve the purpose of helping me stay in shape, but I just can’t find that “zone of presence” – that thing that this is all about. So, I will continue to use this little blog as my point of accountability to use the gym for that purpose, while waiting for the opportunity to participate in some ZOP (Zone of Presence – I like that!)
Talked to my brother last night about potential fishing trips. I think he has resigned himself to no more fishing until spring. I keep looking at the power plant lake at Council Grove, thinking that we can probably fish the smallies all winter there. I really want to get out on some water.
What is it about the thought of fishing that is so attractive to me? For sure I like the “preparation” stuff – the rituals that are associated with the fishing. For both fishing and hunting, these “preparation rituals” are a gigantic part of the activity for me. Getting all geeky over which lines I want to keep in my tackle, when I will use them, what baits and lures I think I want to try out, listening to podcasts to learn as much as I can from other guys. This is big stuff to me.
So, I’ll keep thinking about it, and wondering if we will get a chance to get out this winter or not for the smallies.
One last thought. Why did the Honeylocust keep their leaves so long this year I wonder? I am looking out my office window, watching the birds on the feeders in front, and noticing again that here in December, the Honeylocust leaves are still about 50% attached to the trees. Brown and dormant of course, but like the White Oaks, a good portion of the dormant leaves are still attached.

The Training Plan

For the last 3 or 4 years, I have been pretty busy making excuses for why my fitness level is less than it should be. It was probably 4 years ago (maybe it was 5…) that I had a kick-ass summer, and was in great shape. I felt like I kept up with all but the best on the climbs, and was rarely passed on the flats. I felt like a machine.

Then, in the fall, I ended up in the hospital with what the docs insisted was a heart attack. Long story short, after spending the night in Intensive Care, the docs did one of the catheder deals to watch the blood flow around my heart, and discovered arteries that were clear as mountain morning air. But, they also found that an enlarged heart was squeezing an artery that runs along the front of the heart, which is what created the psuedo heart-attack. Funny thing – the doc took my wife aside to ask about drug use – apparently some recreational drugs enlarge the heart. Nope, she was pretty sure that wasn’t the issue.

Turns out, prolonged intense exercise also enlarges the heart. Duh. Note to self: Maybe cut back on the intensity of the training…

So that became a great excuse for me, and while my mind still thought of my body as the fit machine that climbed those Italian Alps, my body was rapidly progressing toward a lesser and lesser state of fitness, and I constantly justified a lower workout regiment with the whole enlarged heart thing.

I flaked out on a couple of backcountry ski trips in the winter for various reasons, but the reality was that I was not really fit enough to keep up with the younger guys in the trip. I barely survived some long and grueling endurance rides – rides that I should have survived much more easily than I did and not slowed down my buddies.

Then, this fall, my job situation changed, and I had some time on my hands. I started to ride a bit more – trying to find 2 days a week when the weather would let me ride. I have managed to avoid the big “November Gain” that usually happens to my waistline. I am headed toward avoiding the even worse “December Gain” that usually happens. I have a backcountry trip scheduled for early January, and 6 weeks before the trip, I am actually feeling pretty good about being able to perform well.

So now, I find myself beginning to focus on next summer, and what level of fitness I might be able to achieve by May. I find myself looking at rides that I have avoided for the last several years, thinking, maybe…

So I’ll keep a log of how I am coming against these lofty sights. The snow is falling outside, and the temp is about 10 degrees. No riding for the next few days – it will be workouts in the gym for me for the next week I am afraid.

Yesterday, I was able to get out for a quick Canterbury spin before the weather turned bad. Only a 30 minute spin, with a bit of climbing. Tried wearing the warm kit, but it is still (and has always been) too small for me. I need to give that one away – I have no idea what I was thinking when I bought it…

The Beginning

It was on a bike ride recently that I came to understand something really foundational to myself.

Here it is:

  • People pay me to manage projects of transition, and to think strategically. They pay me to move them forward toward something. I am very good at this – seeing future possibilities and good ways to achieve these future possibilities.
  • I talk lots about things like learning to focus on the here-and-now, and learning to really experience “the present moment”, but I am really lousy at it.
  • I have a very “addictive” personality, and this leads me to become very passionately involved in “hobbies” in my life.

So, the above facts sort-of bounced around in my brain for years, and I kept them very separate from each other. My life continued to roll frantically down a path that kept me always focused on the things that people pay me to do well, while at the same time deep inside I realized that I needed to get better at living in the moment. These things seemed very much at odds with one-another, but I never really thought much about it.

It was that third fact that would join the two pieces together, though it took a bike ride on a beautiful Colorado Autumn day to allow my brain to let that fusion occur.

Here is the scene:

I was 45 minutes or so into a ride. It is a common ride – one that I take often. I call it the Crowfoot ride, since it follows a road called Crowfoot Valley Road for much of the ride. It is perfect in that it is slightly uphill for the first 10 minutes or so, then starts to slant more and more upward, until finally it climbs at a nice steep pace for 10 or 15 minutes. Then it flattens quite a bit, but still uphill, for another 5 – 10 minutes. Then you turn around, and head back, and the joy begins as a reward for all the work to this point. I head south going out and up, then turn back north for the ride home. So, this is the perfect ride when there is a south wind. On this day, there was a wonderful south wind.

I had worked really hard all the way out. After making the turn and heading back, it became an easy 25 MPH ride along the ridge with a tailwind. This is such joy for a bike rider – a nice tailwind. I hit the steep downhill, tucked, and flew down at 45 MPH+, letting the bike slow to 30 MPH as the hill decreased.

My G-d, I thought, what is it that I love so much about this? Pure clarity, nothing else on my mind, wonderful ideas popping in occasionally to be mulled around in the idea polisher of my little brain.

And right then, the realization crystallized like a bright shining stone falling out of the polisher. All of my “passions” had this thing in common – they allowed me to focus completely on the thing that I was doing, and within that focus and presence, a joy and peace seeped out and surrounded me with a feeling that I longed for in my life. Those were the moments when the magic presented itself.

The June Garden

June – the summer transition month.

Our seasons this year seem to have been delayed by a couple of weeks, though maybe this is just my perception based on a winter that seemed colder and longer than usual. I am certain that this perception has nothing whatsoever to do with another years worth of sand having passed through the hourglass of my life’s clock…

Depending on how warm June turns out to be, it is possible that it could still be an excellent month for planting perennials. Any spaces that need some extra color and punch during the summer would appreciate the planting of annuals as soon as possible in the month, and the space will reward you with color for the rest of the summer.

Pruning tasks in June

  • Lilacs should be pruned as soon as they finish blooming. They are a robust plant that often likes to be pruned, and can be pruned to a variety of forms. If you have a mature one in the right spot, try pruning it more like a tree, keeping all of the suckers and lower branches pruned back, leaving a few arching trunks to grow tall. This only works well on the taller varieties, like the common lilac and Canadian lilacs.
  • Other flowering shrubs – generally, flowering shrubs should be pruned back as soon as they are done flowering in the spring.
  • Trees for shape and health

 

Perennials to divide in June

  • When the iris are done blooming, they can be dug and divided. Dig the rhizome clumps, and carefully pull them apart into individual plants. Use something like grass trimmers to cut the tops back into a fan shape or v shape about 4” to 6” tall. Plant the individual plants so that the top of the rhizome is right at the surface of the ground.
  • Daylilies can be divided anytime, but right after blooming is an excellent time that allows you to enjoy this year’s bloom.

Other June tasks

  • Keep pond pH down to a healthy range.
  • Early June is still not too late to plant summer lilies (like Asiatic), though if they are planted as bulbs, they will likely not flower until next year.
  • Remove spent flowers from all plants, and remove spent stalks from plants like iris and daylily.
  • Fertilize for summer growth.

 

Prairie Voice – Part 4

As I moved quietly through the moonless darkness, I could hear the tiny creaks and movements within to woods on my right, and I could feel the arms of the open prairie on my left. In the darkness, when you have surrendered to the world that you are moving through, it is as-though you can feel that world reaching out and exploring your soul – reaching inside of you to find what is there – exposing you and testing you. When it first happens, it is unnerving, but with each moment in surrender, it seems that both you and the little piece of world that you have surrendered to fall deeper and deeper into harmony and comfort.

I reached the tree that held my stand in its branches. It is not possible to be very quiet climbing into a tree, so this was the point in my morning trek where I could imagine any animals in the area looking my way, wondering what it was that was climbing into the tree in the darkness. Pulling my bow and pack up into the tree once I was in my stand, I settled into the familiar and comfortable position of resting, my bow across my lap with an arrow nocked. I occasionally used the antlers at my feet to rattle a bit, or sometimes would let a soft grunt float into the silence, but for the most part, I let myself find quiet.

And I listened.

I listened to my heart, as it slowed further and further. I could hear the sound of the blood pulsing through the arteries with each beat, becoming less loud as my pulse and blood pressure both declined. I could feel the thoughts in my mind begin to try and push their way into my immediate consciousness, and I resisted this by staying tightly tuned to listening.

My stand was in the branches of a tree that stood apart from the hedgerow beside it, close to the end where the hedgerow opened up into the prairie. At the very end of that hedgerow was a place that bucks commonly thought was prime real estate. There were many strong and fresh rubs there this year, as well as a lot of other sign indicating heavy traffic through the area. My stand was placed to watch that spot where the hedgerow opened up into the prairie and the rubs were thick. I was looking east, so the winter sun would rise in front of me and a little to the right.

I had been in the stand for long enough to have cooled down completely. I had rattled and grunted a few times, but had not heard anything that made me think that anyone was interested. Then, out of nowhere, I heard a twig snap in the woods 30 yard to my right.

Prairie Voice – Part 3

The dance between Venus and the Moon first became visible to me at the horizon as the first hints of dawn began to warm the eastern sky. By that time, I had been sitting in my tree-stand for long enough to feel the cold in my toes, and the site of Venus and the Moon helped me to feel some added warmth begin to move from my soul into my body. I had begun my morning well before dawn, letting Colin out for a quick constitutional, and putting him back in the camper for the morning. After slipping into my hunting clothes outside of the camper, I picked up my bow from its special place, and began the slow and silent walk toward my stand. It was less than a mile to walk to my stand, but in the deep darkness of a night with no moon up yet, and with my desire to move silently, the walk probably took 45 minutes or so.

There is a path that I follow to that tree-stand when it is dark. It isn’t the most direct route, but it is the most quiet. The soil is sandy, and it is possible to pick out the lighter sandy path from the darker prairie grass even on the darkest of nights. As I had moved along the path – walking slowly and quietly – I enjoyed the absolute stillness that is so magical about that time of the day. The path follows an old tree-row for most of the way, and I could hear small movements within the tree row – sometimes a leaf falling through the branches, sometimes a tiny twig beneath the foot of a raccoon.

I rarely use a light in the darkness. An artificial light in the wilderness just screams to the wildlife that a human is present. If I used a light, by the time that I arrived at my hunting spot, every animal within half a mile would be notified of my exact location. In addition, the light from the flashlight would prevent my eyes from adjusting to the darkness, so that when I eventually did turn the light off, my eyes would need to take the time to adjust before they were of any use at all to me. In case of emergency, I have a light that I can use, but I don’t recall the last time that I used it when moving through the nighttime wilderness.

There is a greater reason, though, that I don’t want a light at night. It has to do with why I am even here – why I am walking across the prairie on a chilly morning, carrying a bow, walking softly and quietly. It has to do with why I take such care to control the human scent that is part of me, why I choose to spend this time with solitude on the Prairie.

Many people equate “hunting” with “killing something”. Most non-hunters do this I think, but frankly, I know hunters who do this as well. For me, it is certainly likely that the hunting process will result in meat in my freezer, but this is not why I hunt, and the “killing” is not where I find my joy.

For me, the hunting process is my surrender to my rightful place in this earthly ecos. It is about becoming part of a balance that is much older and much wiser than the technically advanced, climate controlled, risk reduced world that generally surrounds me. It is about coming into a harmony with where I have been placed in this universe, and from that place of more perfect Harmony, I can feel myself more completely within The One.

When done well, hunting finds me leaving behind all that is human reason, and finding deep within myself the wisdom that is a part of the little sphere of earth that I place myself within. It finds me accepting my place as a predator high on the food chain, and accepting as well the responsibility that comes with that place on the food chain. It finds me spending the time to learn how the other animals move in this little sphere of earth, and how many they are, and how healthy they are. It finds me choosing which animal to take, and whether to take an animal. It finds me realizing that when meat ends up in my freezer, it should end up there as a result of a gift that is exchanged between hunter and hunted, and that taking the meat without receiving the gift and blessing the exchange is a blasphemy.

Surrender – a funny word. Sometimes the path to strength and wisdom can only be found through surrender. In surrendering myself to my small place in this little sphere, and in leaving my human ego back at the doorstep of the civilization that I left behind, I am able to find my Self and my Place. And it feels good and right.

And a flashlight disturbs that goodness and that rightness.